Free Premium WordPress Themes With SEO (Also: Nudes, Cats, Cheeseburgers)

Top 11 topics in this column:

  • Free WordPress themes!
  • Free premium themes!
  • Free WordPress plugins!
  • Free premium plugins!
  • Free SEO secrets unveiled for free!
  • Free nude women!
  • Free nude males!
  • Free nude pandas!
  • Cats! Because you know, they can stand on their own.
  • Cheeseburgers! (Sorry, got hungry…)
  • Also: More FREE WordPress stuff!

That got your attention huh? No? How about a cat lying on a book then?

You know what I got the other day? An email that asked me to insert more keywords into my columns, because it was bad for Google Panda yadayada. Some SEO shit that actually doesn’t matter one bit, no matter what the experts say. In the short run sure, but since this post will stay online FOREVER AND EVER, or at least until the staff deletes it, whatever’s the keyword internal link dropping flavor of the month has most likely been analyzed to death by Googlebots.

Killer Googlebots.

Those guys scare me.

“Insert more keywords or we’ll fire your ass!”

They didn’t say that, really, but they did say they’ll fire my ass since I’m not dropping enough keywords and links in my columns.

Yep, that’s right. Fired ass. Shitcanned.

Here’s the fun part. Maybe they should’ve held on to this decision a bit. You see, I’ve got an arrangement with The Farmer. It involves donkey blood, moonshine, a very weird and trippy night on mushrooms and googling free WordPress abominations. It also involves the fact that I’ve got four bloody columns left on my contract.

Four.

Columns.

With.

Carte.

Blanche.

But hey, I figured I’d be nice to the guys. Drop some keywords, give them the Google juice they so clearly craves.

So, this is me dropping keywords.

WordPress, WordPress themes, WordPress plugins, BuddyPress themes, BuddyPress plugins, free everyfuckingthing with WordPress attached to it.

I don’t think that worked. Maybe I need to be name-dropping instead?

Matt Mullenweg, Mike Arrington, Om Malik, Mark Zuckerberg, Jane Wells, Kevin Rose, Nacin Nacin Nacin Nacin Nacin Nacin Nacin Nacin.

Man, that Nacin fellow sure gets under my skin, it keeps echoing out. There is probably some reason for this. Most likely I’ll find it in the bottom of this bottle of wine.

You see, I’m upset. I was just canned from what probably is the biggest WordPress site there is. This is my livelihood after all, writing columns for WPMU.org, paid in chocolate bunnies, pissing off people who really are pissed off at The Farmer but taking it out on me because this little column of mine is published here. On this site. With thousands of eyeballs.

Sans keywords.

I’m not sure how I’ll get over this tragedy.

After I hit publish, I’ll only have three columns left here. Three columns where I can do whatever the fuck I want. They can censor me, The Man always Can, but they can’t bloody well censor whoever screendumps these things.

Nor can they make Google remove their cached version. That’s the fun part, because since that SEO fellow who thinks I should drop some keywords apparently is doing his job, Google will no doubt pick up on these final columns in no time.

Chew on that.

This Week’s Piece of WordPress Advice
Don’t write for SEO, write good content. Period.

Photo by Manuel Cacciatori (CC)

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Comments (19)

  1. If “probably the biggest WordPress site” is smart, this post will remain featured for some time.

    The problem is that SEOs are obsessed with google algorithm updates, keywords and what not, but don’t really care about what is really being said in articles or what the quality of the content is.

    Read this three times so far. I imagine it won’t be my last.

  2. Your a fucking legend dude, that has put a smile on my face no end. Seriously funny as fcuk.

    Come and write for me, I know not of money but your funny and in fairness that counts a lot these days.

  3. This is the single best WordPress article I’ve read in 2012. Letting the SEO parasites dictate content is like letting the lunatics run the asylum, good for you for standing up to them and I hope this column goes viral.

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