Upfront/Spirit email newsletter signup FAILS

I have installed Upfront/Spirit on multiple servers.
I have installed multiple MailChimp plugins.
I have used multiple widgets and shortcodes.
I have generated embed code.
I have used view source code.
I have entered custom coded MailChimp list code.
I have entered embed MailChimp code.
I have even created a new MailChimp account and list.
I have spent a WEEK getting this to work.
I am offering a reward to anyone who can get the list working ON MY SITE.
I appreciate the many folks who give of their time here (and there are many helpful, generous, and kind people) but they all gave me instructions on how it works everywhere else!
Respectfully, I don't give a $#!T about everywhere else. I want a standard email signup list on MY SITE. Toward that end, I am offering a $100 reward to the first person to make it work. This is a new install. You have complete freedom to take over and use any method you like (except Subscribe by Email).

Until this is working, I am telling the world that it doesn't work here:
(Take a hint)